Honesty

Well, Claire has been here for a week and it has been a week full of roller coaster emotions for me. Most of you know, I have been having a hard time adjusting to having two kids. While I am so glad that Claire is here, I can't help but think that I am crazy for having another kid. I keep thinking to myself, "What were you thinking? You can't do this; it's too hard." And don't get me wrong, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I love Claire, but these are just my thoughts.
I think the hardest part of this transition for me is the fact that Claire was three weeks early and we weren't even the slightest bit prepared. We are playing catch up now, but she isn't supposed to be here for another two weeks and we thought we had all of this time. Also, the breastfeeding has been an issue too. Since she was early she has no idea how to suck, breathe and eat at the same time, since that is what they learn the last couple of weeks in the womb. We finally have gotten her to latch on and that is going great, but after I feed her, then I have to feed her a 2 ounce bottle, and then pump. I am supposed to do this until day 14, and while it has gotten easier, I am still exhausted and angry that I have to do it.
Most of you know that I have also started Zoloft for Postpartum Depression, and while it has helped some, it hasn't helped all of the way. I am still having one melt down a day, and it usually hits about late morning/early afternoon. Jonathon has been so wonderful listening to me and just letting me cry on his shoulder. He has been such a rock for me and I am scared about what is going to happen when he goes back to work tomorrow. I have his sister coming over tomorrow and Tuesday to stay with Olivia and I and then my mom gets here Tuesday afternoon and staying until Friday. While I appreciate their help, they are no Jonathon. Going through what I am going through emotionally, makes me appreciate my husband so much. I never knew how much I loved him until the past few days. He is my rock and my protector and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
Olivia has been an awesome big sister so far. She loves to say hi to Claire and point out her body parts. She loves to help out, even if it means just taking something to the trash or when she sees me cry asking if I am ok. She is so sweet. She has been spending a lot of time with her Aunt Alison and talks about her all day every day. They have been going to the aquarium, ice cream shop, the mall, etc. It has been wonderful to have Alison take her off our hands for a few hours, or come over and play with Olivia while Jonathon and I just try to relax.
Our plan for Olivia is to send her to the baby sitter's every day for a while so she can play with her friends and have fun, instead of sitting here in the house with a mom who is crying her eyes out and a baby. As soon as I feel like I can handle a little more, then we will gradually start having her spend more time at home. I think I will still have her go over there one or two days a week so she gets some socialization with kids her own age.
I know I have already asked many of you with two kids or more how you made the transition, but I would still like to hear from others. I appreciate all of the phone calls and conversations I have had with everyone the past couple of weeks; you have no idea how much they have helped me. Please keep sending encouraging words and prayers for me and the family.